So I had been abstaining for a little while from wanking and I was very aroused.
Thoughts of sexing boys were swimming in my head.
I was going to tug... but I though... "no, just try with the wife. See what happens."

So I told her I wanted to experiment and she asked if I really wanted to. I was honest and said, on an emotional level 'no', but on a wanting to save the marriage and do what I believed was right before God then 'yes'. So we did it.
I even managed to not fantasise... I took the advice of some earlier threads and went at it doggy stile (not anal -just in that position). It was all over very quickly.

The result. I wanted to flee.
I felt bad afterwards and wanted to leave the room. But I didn't tell her that. Instead I stayed and cuddled with her - for her sake. But it felt very fake and insincere on my part.

I just don't know what to do.
On the weekend we had a healing meeting and I begged God to heal me and give me attraction to my wife.
I prayed: "Lord, even thought there's part of me that doesn't want this healing, and part of me that doesn't believe You are going to give it to me... please, Lord please!"

I'm wanting more sex... but the thought of doing it again with her just makes me want to cry.

I feel like giving up on my marriage.

Cat ... who doesn't want to play anymore.