I don't believe I can be sexually attracted to my wife.
In the past sexing with her was fun and exciting cause I was thinking about boys.
When I stopped doing that it became ugly.
When she said to me... I want us to go for hours at a time... I freaked out and wanted to stop altogether.

Now that she's all "you don't want me"... I want her even less!

I'm surrounded by inexperienced people (my wife and my church elders) who are convinced that my sexuality is a mindset and if I just stopped believing it, re-claimed my manhood and stopped 'lusting' after boys I'd be set free to enjoy her sexually.

I keep praying and asking God to help me discern the truth about all this and I keep coming back to: I am a beloved child of God, saved by grace and being honest is important and standing up for what I believe is important.

Well I believe I DON'T have a choice.
I may be deceived, God knows I have been before, but I don't think I am on this.
Last night I prayed: "Lord if I really can be straight please show me, cause I can't see it, and I am really accepting that I'm homosexual."
Then last night I had a dream of sexing up a man and I enjoyed it.... Not that I'm really attracted to men at all... but his penis WAS nice.

Anyway, I feel like I'm standing up for something in the face of lots of opposition and the pressure is really getting to me.

I'm so sad about my marriage being in the mess it is but I don't think I can do anything about it.

God have mercy.

I'm still feeling happy overall though. Standing up for myself is a good thing, even if its a hard thing.

Blessings
Cat.