I am in a place too where I am married but my wife has cut herself off because of my ‘stuff’. I believe that love is a choice and a doing thing, not just a feeling. So I choose to love her and be affectionate to her. It IS hard because any moves I have made to be closer have resulted in rejection (fear-of-being-hurt-again, ambivalence, bad memories . . . ). I plan to ask her soon about discussing our future together with an older couple we both respect greatly and who know everything about my stuff.

As for your situation, Cat: enjoy what you can, choose to be affectionate and drink any enjoyment you get as you give. No, you’re not pretending. You’re being genuinely affectionate. You ARE 'sowing something into your marriage' – and, I might say – very insightful to even be able to have this perspective (of sowing vs. pretending).

You have prayed for God to show you the right path. He will answer your plea for wisdom.

It is a long, slow, painful journey. You and I both know things WON’T happen overnight.

Stay very, VERY close to Jesus, bro. He is everything.

‘Lord Jesus Christ,
You are the journey,
the journey’s end,
the journey’s beginning.’
                                             - Rev Michael Mayne, Former Dean of Westminster Abbey

You are precious and I love and admire you for your faithfulness, honesty, committment and zeal.