I don't/didn't feel a lot of attraction for my wife a lot of the time, either.
Sexually too. So I tried to feel attracted. We did have some good lovemaking times, though nothing since 2001 . . .

In response to your 'My basic problem is...' all I can say is that if you're looking at therapy you really need someone very highly trained in your specific issues. And I have the right to say that after 20 years and thousands and thousands of cost in therapy.

Do [you] we have a choice? I think after so many years of reinforcing our 'lovemaps' as John Money calls them [see Wikipedia], associating boys with our ejaculations (powerful reinforcement indeed), it really takes superhuman effort to maintain hetero lovemaking.

My wife and I are in effect separated though living together, though as I've said before, we're pleasant to each other, give pecks on the cheek and hugs . . . I've broached in quiet discussion the subject of more intimacy, and been almost accused of attempted rape! PHEW! So needless to say have backed off.

Like you my abuse (at age 4 & 5) wasn't horrific but pleasurable. Makes it all SO much harder and more complicated.

I haven't got any smart answers. If it's any help, feel free to tell her anything about my/our situation, and that you're certainly not alone.

And I feel for you both so much, and love you and affirm you for the thoughtful, loving, caring, concerned, God-honouring guy that you are (HUG)


PS: How old are your kids? Mine are 24, 22 & 18. The older two know some of my stuff but not much detail.