Marc, your love is lovely, but given the horror your self-controlled death will cause and the inevitability that he will eventually find out about it, if you go that way, your existence will have been about YOURSELF and nothing else, not about him. He will just have had a small role, as a sort of duped victim, who thought he was bringing joy and friendship to your life but was actually being used as the morbid vehicle of your self-destruction.