Cat, I am as queasy as you are about these experiences, whether it's fair or unfair. It's just an instinctive or intuitive reaction. Even when you say "accommodating and gracious and flexible," a boy somewhere in my mind wants to shout "succubus! get awaaay!!" Or to put it in other words, "here's me wanting to run away as fast as I can and never come back."

If you want to carry on trying to beat the system this way, though, then consider the erection drugs like Viagra. As many people have noted, there's nothing like having a vague scrap of arousal turn your limp noodle into a rock steady mast that can endure almost any psychological insult. When you've not only brought your wife to orgasm but held your erection even when the dog has thrown up beside the bed and the neighbours have hammered the wall telling your wife to stop moaning, then a certain feeling of confidence steals over you. You may even get enough friction to induce an orgasm yourself, especially if you've been good and pent up for a while.

It's interesting that your wife liked it rough, though. I understand from one post I read recently that she knew about your sexuality when she married you. Now, I should explain that in the gay community, I know many openly vulnerabilist (sadomasochistic) relationships, where vulnerability in the face of the(carefully stage-managed) pain or humiliation of one partner is a major turn-on. When this is done by express mutual consent, it works out very well. If one partner is laying it on the other without consent, it can be a problem.

Is there any chance that your discomfort and humiliation -- in short, your boyish vulnerability - is actually stimulating to your wife? It may sound like an ugly question, but it isn't meant to be; it's ordinary business for sexuality: when you are in desperate straits and huddled up next to her because you can't perform, are you sexually her sweet dear baby who must be alternately tough-mommed and gentle-mommed into trying again? When she let's YOU be rough and HER be the vulnerable one, is she still getting the same erotic jolt?

Vulnerabilist boys might very well feel great about being rough to their partner in the way you were rough. Since this made you feel ill, I don't think you are one of them. It really makes me wonder if you're not only in a heterosexual relationship that is a psychological challenge for you, but also in a sadomasochistic relationship that is an equally profound challenge.