Hi H_G,

As I said in very first posting several months ago, I will never accept that what I presently feel is OK. My conscience and my faith will never permit me to accept that the feelings I have are not over the line. If I simply had an unusually strong desire to minister to boys I could accept it, but my feelings are out of bounds. In the shades of grey my feelings are just too black.

I feel the same way! [Sorry to keep saying "me too, me too", but I keep agreeing with you :-)]

You said you are attracted to the innocence of these boys. I was not sure if you meant moral purity or the bliss of youthful ignorance. If you meant moral purity, I agree! If you meant youthful bliss, I myself as a boy could not escape that fast enough!

Interesting question. I hadn't thought about a distinction until you mentioned one. Having given it some thought, it is primarily the moral purity that attracts me. When I mentioned innocence, I wasn't referring to that in the sense of "youthful bliss", or of being "unaffected" by the things of the adult world (e.g. sexuality). On the contrary, boyhood sexual discovery is fascinating to me. And, I think this sexual discovery can be a moral and Godly thing; it can also be easily corrupted by sin (both homosexual and heterosexual). Though I am certainly turned on by the thought of sexual discovery that HAS become corrupted by sin (i.e. "dirty", lustful, etc.) -- because sin DOES have a perversely-attractive quality -- what I find MORE attractive is the thought of boyhood sexual discovery that is innocent of sin and, somehow, "pure" before God. [Because, I believe, God designed sexuality to be pure, even though it rarely is.] I don't know if this paragraph made any sense. I tried, but it's confusing to put into words.

I was not simply in need of having my maleness affirmed. There was an overabundance of well-meaning guys who would have done that, however misplaced. What I desperately wanted and needed was to have my sexuality affirmed; not my sexual orientation, but simply my sexuality! Please forgive me if this too graphic, but I had my first orgasm at 11 years of age. That moment is burned into my mind as the #2 event of my entire life, (the #1 being when I met Jesus as my Savior and Lord). How I wish I could have had a guy in my life to talk with, who would have said to me, "Awesome dude, you're not a little boy anymore! And things are just going to get better!" I craved to be affirmed that what I felt and desired was OK, that I was normal and that it was OK to *enjoy* what I was thinking and feeling.

I can totally appreciate what you're saying! Thought I don't honestly remember a lot of the questions I had in my mind at the time, I do know that I would certainly have benefited from a LOT of guidance and affirmation in that area. [For what it's worth, I don't remember how old I was when I first had an orgasm -- probably a year or two older than you -- but I definitely remember the event!]

You asked about my family and faith. I was raised in a 2-parent home with siblings of both sexes. No major trauma of any kind that I ever remember. I became a Christian at about 11 years old, i.e. I sold out to Jesus Christ and have loved Him and lived for Him ever since. He is my Savior and my Lord and my best friend and the most important thing in my life.

I was also raised in a 2-parent home with siblings of both sexes. [I am the eldest of three.] Like you, no major trauma that I can remember. It was a loving home (even though we had our issues, of course). Through my growing up, my parents didn't go to church. [They do now.] But they sent me and my siblings each week. As such, I grew up in church, and believing in God. However, it only became real for me (and I made a personal commitment) towards the end of my last year of high-school. Since then the Lord has been growing me slowly but surely. I've had some stagnant times, but He has always been faithful. Being His kid is a pretty awesome adventure (in spite of the rocky patches and struggles).

Would you like to continue this discussion by email? [Most of this detailed stuff probably isn't of general interest to everyone else on the board.] I don't want to share my email on the board, but I'll email our webmaster with my email address; IF you want to chat offline, go ahead and email him yours, too; then, if he would be so kind, he can forward our emails to each other. If you'd prefer to keep the discussion on the board, though, that's cool too; no worries.

Blessings,
Rainboy