Hi hurting_guy,

Wow!

First of all, thank you for the very kind comments! I am encouraged to know that there is someone else out there who relates so closely to my experience (even though I am 95% BL, and you identify yourself as gay).

It's quite amazing, because even though there are things I didn't mention in my original post, when you described your situation, it fits for me, too. Take "effeminism" for example: That is also a complete turn-off for me. I would almost say I hate effeminism. Hate is a harsh word, and I'm embarrassed that I feel that way, but I do (at least to some degree) -- and I think it's mostly because I see some of those characteristics in me, and I don't want to. [I pray that God will help me "get over" this and have a more loving attitude towards people who display these characteristics.] I try very hard to eliminate any effeminate characteristics from my own life, too. [Note: I'm not saying this is necessarily right or wrong; I'm just describing my situation.] I try to walk without swiveling my hips; I try to stand upright and "manly"; I'm careful about not crossing my legs; I try not to have limp wrists; etc. To some this might sound silly, and I might be criticized for not "being myself" (or "accepting myself"), but it is what it is. [I DON'T hate myself! Really! But these characteristics, for me, don't reflect the person that I believe I am (or am growing to become), so I change them as best I can.]

I am also "afraid" of strong, athletic guys -- "jocks", "frat-boys", etc. I don't know how to relate to them, and don't really want to.

Though I don't claim to fully understand his message yet (because I have only read it once so far), Robert-I said some things that really "clicked" with me. [Robert-I, if I misrepresent your post, I apologize.] He talked about Self (i.e. exactly what I am), Other (i.e. completely opposite from what I am, to a degree that it is impossible to relate), and OtherSelf: OtherSelf has enough Self that I am able to relate to them, and enough Other so that they are attractive and fascinating to me. I think that's a good way of looking at it, and fits well with my situation:

Though my attractions are mostly BL, like you, I find myself attracted to "middle-of-the-road". Basically, I am attracted to exactly the type of boy I wish I could have been when I was a boy, but wasn't secure enough to be when I was that age. I am attracted to boys who are kind and decent, respectful to others, humble, honest and truthful, not crude or immature, faithful, self-controlled, willing to take a stand for what is right, willing to defend the innocent, totally in love with God and unashamed to worship Him, and secure in their identities as young men of God and future husbands to Godly women. I know that's a tall order, and few teenage boys are quite there yet, but those are the characteristics I find so attractive, because that is what I wish I could have been when I was a boy. I don't know that, WHEN I WAS A BOY, I necessarily felt that way -- I probably didn't know WHAT I felt, because I was so confused and insecure about my identity -- but NOW, in the light of my growth as a Christian over the past 20-or-so years, God has caused these characteristics to be attractive to me. Not that God causes me to be attracted to boys -- that's a separate issue -- but, just like well-rounded, heterosexual, Christian guys desire Godly Christian women who are full of the "fruit of the Spirit", that is my experience, too: only I desire these characteristics in boys, because my sexuality took shape at a time that I was so insecure and confused about who I was as a boy/young-man, that my fascination with "boyhood" became sexualized.

Robert-I's theory about OtherSelf makes quite a lot of sense to me: my "idealized boy" (described above) has a lot of the same characteristics that I believe I DO have (i.e. fruit of the Spirit) -- that's the "Self" part -- but he also has a natural, unassuming confidence in his identity as a young man that was totally foreign to me as a boy -- that's the "Other" part ... and now I seem to be stuck in the past; though a lot has changed since then, and I have been able to grow in Christ in so many areas of my life, the boy in me still longs to have that need met, and to be affirmed as a young man. It's weird, because, in so many ways, as a man, the insecurities I had as a boy are gone; but, in spite of that, the boy is still there, and his insecurities are still shaping the desires I live with today.

Thanks so much for sharing!

Blessings,
Rainboy