Hello Rainboy.

I haven't been around the forums very much since I had solidified in my mind that I'm gay but I'm not a BL. I have, however, been reading the discussions occasionally. I had not taken note of your postings before, but I must say that of all the fine postings here, yours is the creme-de-la-creme.

When I read your post "Homosexuality + Boylove" a whole flood of emotions overcame me. I wasn't much interested in the core of the discussion about what kind of relationships a BL could/should have with a boy. But instead I froze and a chill went up my spine when I read your theory about the most probable cause of a guy being gay, and your personal account. Your theory was not approximately correct, it was TOTALLY correct. I wept inside as I was reading about MY preteen and teen years from your posting. How could you possibly have known EXACTLY what I went through?! I remember that as a young boy I fixated on a classmate. I was fascinated that he seemed to "have it all together". I was in awe of a young man who, though he was young, seemed in my equally-young eyes to be a 'man'. I remember feeling awkward that I simply was not interested in the expected "boy" things like sports. I remember feeling as if I didn't measure up. I remember the piercing pain of thinking that my father was a little ashamed of me. Then when I hit puberty...and this is very difficult to say...one of my friends drew me (as a willing participant) into a sexual relationship that lasted over a year. It was kind of strange because it was BOTH 'awkward and awesome'. In my teen years I continued to be fascinated with the kinds of guys who subconsciously validated me; not just my maleness, but my particular individual kind of maleness. I JUST WANTED TO BE WHO I WAS!!! I was completely turned off by effeminate guys, and afraid of athletic and strong guys! I was fixated on guys who were squarely middle-of-the-road and seemed to have it all together, who seemed to know who they were and where they were going. I just wanted to be with them and like them all the time. I was starving to be affirmed in who I was. I think my sexual attraction was just an over-extension of my inability to satisfy my desires. In fact...and this is really hard to say...I still feel the same today. That little boy inside me is still looking for the affirmation, still turned off by effeminate guys and afraid of "real men", but still desperate to be affirmed by the kinds of guys that I think I want to be. I'm just wondering if I'll EVER have peace with myself. Seems to me society and the church are just not too understanding of a "grown man" who still desperately needs the time and opportunity to pass through what he missed as a little boy.

It would be great to hear back from you.