Geez man. Your wife seems to redeem herself in my eyes one day then take two steps back

"b) I continue to fantasise about boys during sex with her."

No more sex for Mrs Cat then and that seems to be one of her major issues with all this. "FULFILL MY NEEDS. ME ME ME." She sounds like that. I'm sure I'm not getting her full personhood correct but seems close enough. I'd welcome her to come here and talk with her, I'd find it really interesting and fun.

"If you can't get to orgasm with me, you go without" she says.

Oh this is POSSIBLE, as in it's possible for some people to walk on fire and be just fine or run the mile under 4 minutes. I don't think most people have the capacity to live their life with no sexual outlet (even their own hand). If you were to go this way you'd be having a wet dream (or whatever you call it living in the ass crack of the planet) and you'd be incredibly horny all the time. I have yet to meet anyone who can live a celibate life, no masturbation either, without this happening. Eventually you will barely have to touch yourself to orgasm.

This may not be your wife's goal but it is what will happen. It's insane that at this point she still does not see this.

I agree with every point CSL makes and add that if divorce is done right it will not be bad for the children. There is no need to despair if it does come to that. I know that is not what you want and I wish you the best of luck in the best thing happening for all people involved.

Godspell