Hi again, Cat,

Sorry to hear about your struggles, and the problems in your marriage. Hang in there!

I just wanted to throw out some thoughts on the masturbation/fantasy thing. For what it's worth, I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with masturbation WITHOUT fantasy. I have never had too much of a problem with fantasy, as I just don't have much of a visual imagination. [I shared earlier that I can't even visualize a blue square.] I have struggled with masturbation, though, and have managed to keep free from that for up to 6 months at a time. But now, though, I no longer see it as a problem, and feel a great deal of freedom in that area (that it's OK, for me at least, to masturbate). I'll explain how that all came about shortly.

By the way, when I was looking through the archives (when I found this site), I came across a message from you (I believe!) in which you coined the very disgusting term "prayer wanking". I prefer the term "prayer masturbation", which is much more dignified and easier to bring into day-to-day conversations with family and friends.

OK, seriously though, I think you were onto something there. Here's my story. About 10 years ago I was in the middle of the constant struggle of trying to stay free from masturbation. Actually, it was going fine for the most part, and I only slipped up once in a while. At the time I was attending a new church, but was quite frustrated in my relationship with God. I longed to experience His presence in a real way. For me, most of my Christian walk had consisted of talking to a concrete ceiling, but not ever feeling I was being heard. I shared this with the folk in my church "home group" one evening, and they took a good 20 minutes to gather around me and pray that God would reveal Himself to me in a real way. At the time I didn't feel anything much, thanked them, and left. I got home though, and sat down on the couch. Almost as soon as I did, I felt the weight of God's love begin to press down on me. It was almost as if His love was actually pushing me into the couch. I have never experienced anything like that before. In fact, for the next week or so, it was as if God was so close I barely had to whisper His name and I felt His presence overwhelm me again. BEST WEEK EVER!!! :-) Since then I haven't experienced anything quite as strong, but I will always remember that week, and I will never again have any question about His love for me.

Anyway, at the time of that experience, masturbation surfaced as an issue. As you can imagine, if "God is Love", and God's presence draws near to us, we are bound to have some sort of reaction. I would find myself lying in bed in nothing but loose-fitting sleep shorts, and God's presence would draw near to me. Within seconds I'd find myself highly turned on, with nowhere to go. I found myself saying to God, look, if you don't want me to relieve these feelings in some way, would you be so kind as to not let me experience your presence while I'm in such a vulnerable position? No such luck! I eventually came to the conclusion (at least for myself) that God doesn't really have any problem with masturbation, in and of itself. It's what we do with our minds and in our hearts that is of concern to Him. Since then I have found a lot of freedom in masturbation. For me, when my heart is right with God, masturbation is something that I can enjoy in His presence. It's an opportunity to be completely vulnerable and open before Him, hiding nothing of who I am, and doing so without guilt or shame, because I know I am loved beyond all measure. I usually find myself talking with God, telling Him how much I love Him, and just simply enjoying being with my best friend. That probably sounds very weird, I know! But as strange as it sounds, I feel God is pleased with that, because I'm being vulnerable with him.

So, getting back to the "prayer wanking" (ick!) ... What is your feeling about that at this point? Do you feel you could masturbate without fantasies if you made it an experience you shared with God through prayer?

And, regarding the sex. [I have no experience in this area at all, so I won't say much.] Do you think that, possibly, making sex a more God-focused experience, could have a positive effect? [Do you and your wife pray together much?]

I don't know if this helps, but hopefully some. I also hope I haven't completely disgraced myself with the above illustration. ["Gee, that Rainboy certainly is a weirdo!"]

By the way, I don't know how long I can keep up this pace of writing. It takes me a LONG time, and I think I'm going to have to slow down soon otherwise I won't have any life away from my computer. I'm also running out of new and fascinating things to say :-)

Blessings,
Rainboy