Hi all,

This is a follow-up from the "Can we sill have a YF in our lives?" thread (2/29/08). [It's probably best to read that first.]

Quick summary: the discussion in the earlier thread focused on whether or not we can have a YF in our lives, and what sort of boundaries there should be in such a relationship. I said that, while I believe such relationships can certainly be healthy and beneficial, there should never be anything "romantic" between a man and a boy (snuggling, sleeping in the same bed, etc.) [And we're not even talking about sexual activity; that is obviously wrong!] I believe that, if we are going to have any significant relationship with a boy, we have to either fill the role of an older brother, or a father figure. There nothing wrong with showing love and affection to a boy -- just like a brother or father would -- but if it becomes romantic, I feel that crosses the line.

The reason I believe this is not just due to the fact that society would frown on it (to put it lightly). It's more than that. I know there will probably be a number of divided opinions on this, but I believe that homosexuality is inherently wrong, and not part of God's design for our lives. So, since I don't believe any men should have romantic (and/or sexual) relationships with each other, that applies just as much (and even more!) when a boy is involved.

["I believe" is surfacing a lot in this message, and it's probably just going to get worse :-) ...]

What is boylove/pedophilia? What is homosexuality? I believe they're really just two "manifestations" of the same thing: "broken sexuality". And, the only real difference between the two is the age of attraction. It's such a fine line that many of us probably fall somewhere between the two classifications. [By the way, I'm not making a distinction between boylove and pedophilia (as I honestly don't know what the distinction is, if there is one); I'll use boylove from here on out...]

I don't think there is anything sinful about having homosexual or boylove desires, but what we do with those desires certainly can be sinful. The Bible talks about homosexuality, and seems to paint a very negative view -- or, at least, that is how it is portrayed by most evangelical Christians. On the other hand, some will argue each verse and try to find a way to show that the Bible authors didn't really mean "this or that", they meant something else altogether. Honestly, I am not a very good Bible scholar, and I wouldn't really be able to debate the verses competently. Still, I think it is fairly obvious, anecdotally, that homosexuality is not part of God's design: (1) the vast majority of people are heterosexual; (2) reproduction is only possible heterosexually; (3) gay sex, without protection, is unhealthy (to say the least); (4) alternative sexual identities are not all as "accepted" as homosexuality (e.g. boylove, necrophilia, beastiality, etc. ... if one alternative is to be accepted, shouldn't all be?), etc.

I believe homosexuality and boylove are really just examples of sexual brokenness. But what is the cause? As I see it, human beings are very complex, and it's tough to pin down any one particular cause for something like this. I think, to some degree, there may be some biological reason. Just as some people can be born with a tendency to be susceptible to depression, other people can be born with an imbalance (possibly hormonal?) that causes them to have a greater tendency to homosexuality. I certainly think that's possible. But even if it is, that doesn't necessarily make that tendency part of God's design. [Some babies are born horribly disfigured by one or other birth defect, and I don't think any of us would argue that was part of His design for them. If it was, He'd be a very cruel God.]

Though there might be some biological component to these attractions, I believe that most of it is developmental. I read a very interesting book a while back, and the theory proposed makes a lot of sense to me. Basically, as we grow up from a baby to an adult, we go through a number of developmental phases. I don't remember all the specifics, but there are a number of important phases leading up to and including puberty. [I'll write from the male perspective...] During the early years of "normal" development, a boy will bond very closely with his mother. At some point, though, he will start to identify with male role models -- his father, his friends. This is a rough-and-tumble phase that is all about learning what it means to be a man and being affirmed in "maleness". During this phase girls, for the most part, are the enemy. But then puberty hits (or maybe it's sooner for some), and everything comes together. Suddenly girls become surprisingly attractive, hormones start swirling around, etc. There's no turning back.

That's the normal scenario. But what happens if the process goes off track? If any one of these phases doesn't happen the way it is supposed to, a boy's sexual development can be jeopardized. Say, for example, that the boy doesn't have an adult male role model in his life that will affirm him as the young man that he is. For some boys, this may not be a problem. Many boys grow up without male role models, and they turn out OK; that's the mystery of complex human beings. But others, lacking an adult male to affirm their male identity, go through this critical phase of development never having this important need met. They will continue to hunger for this male affirmation. Before they know it, puberty hits, and the whole mess becomes sexual. Unless something significant changes, they're on the fast track to a gay identity.

I feel that my particular situation fits well with this theory: My mother was overly protective of me, even smothering. I love her dearly, but as her first child, I probably got way too much attention. My father, on the other hand, was always working, and didn't really know how to relate to me (as we were very different). Again, I love him dearly, but as a child, we just didn't connect, and I never felt affirmed by him. [It always seemed like he was disappointed that I wasn't more manly.] I was definitely a "mommy's boy". The relationship with my father was only part of it, though. Being extremely, painfully shy, I never felt I could relate with other boys my age. I did have one or two close friends, but the thought of playing rough-and-tumble games with other boys filled me with dread. So, I ended up never feeling I was "one of the boys" either. "Boyhood" was always a mystery to me, and, like most mysteries, it was fascinating. By the time I reached puberty, I had still not unlocked the key to my identity as a young man, and was still looking, from the outside in, to the wonderful world of boys. Before I knew it, sexual desires started to develop -- not for girls, like most guys my age, who were already secure in their male identity -- but for boys. The rest is history. I don't know exactly how much of a role each of these things (protective mother, distant father, inability to relate to boys) played in my psycho-sexual development, but somehow it all came together to make me who I am today. I wish it were different, but it's not. [By the way, I don't have any negative feelings towards my parents. They were doing the best they knew how. I have as much responsibility for how I turned out as anyone else.]

I don't know if anyone else here can relate to his? Maybe others have very different situations, and maybe the theory doesn't always hold true ... but for me it certainly does. Other factors can play a role: abuse, and particular sexual abuse, can be VERY significant in shaping a child's identity. But, as I said, we're very complex creatures, and it's often difficult to say why one person turns out one way, and another, who experiences almost the same things, turns out another way. In the end we just have to leave that mystery up to God. [Maybe we'll find out when we see Him face to face.]

Make sense?

This is why I believe that homosexuality is wrong. Well, wrong in the sense that it's not "right". It's not in keeping with God's design for our lives. It's off track. It's "less than" what He wants for us. [Just because we are the way we are doesn't mean God chose for us to be this way.] That's why I don't believe that ANY "romantic" relationship between men is legitimate, and especially between a man and a boy!

Even if we were to conclude that romantic relationship between men are OK, when a boy is involved, it's just too dangerous. Not just because society won't appreciate it, but because of the damage it could do to the boy. I believe that, until a boy reach adulthood, his brain is still undergoing significant changes. Hormones are swirling around. Changes are happening. Neural pathways are being formed. When it comes to sexuality, it may be a number of years until his identity is firmly defined. [And even then, some will argue that gay people can change to straight well into adulthood. That may be true, I don't know.] The point is, if we allow any relationship with a boy to be anything other than affirming and supportive of his identity as a young man, we are doing him a great disservice. Any romantic relationship with an adult male (even if there is nothing overtly sexual) has the potential to sew doubt in his mind about his sexual identity. At such a crucial stage of development, while his sexuality is still "fluid", we could be putting him on a path to homosexuality.

If we are going to have any relationships with a boy, we must use it as an opportunity to affirm and encourage him in his development as a young man, and, hopefully, as a man of God. We can have a hugely positive role to play in helping him to develop a strong identity as the person God created him to be. Or, we can end up replicating in him the same sexual brokenness we ourselves struggle with. We need to trust God and seek for Him to always be the center of all we do, ESPECIALLY in our relationships with boys. If we do this, He will use the relationship for good -- not just for the boy, but for us, too. But, if we allow the relationship to become about us, and our own need for "connection"; if we forget about the boy's best interests and allow our own self-centered desires to take control, not only could the boy be harmed, but we, too, will probably miss out on the healing God wants to bring about in our own lives.

I didn't mean to write so much. [EMPIRE, I wish to hereby challenge your status as the "mouthy pontificating" one in the group :-)]

Anyway, I hope this all makes sense. I'd really be interested to hear your thoughts! Let's discuss.

Blessings,
Rainboy