My apologies. I didn't mean to give that impression either. I was actually going for the "worst" case scenarios and ones that I have personally felt and I think many others share as well. Whether they choose to admit it or not (I did not say all).

I did not include the other side. Affection, companionship etc, because those are not feelings that bother me, nor do they bother many other people on this forum. They are not particularly "sinful" so in the same way, they are not worrysome. Does that make sense?

It is THESE attributes that are sinful. Disturbing? Damn Straight they are! I admit them freely so that others do not have to think they are the only ones to deal with these problems.

Yes, I was sexually attracted to girls. I still am somewhat but I will get into that later probably.

Yes I did enjoy masturbation. It was a release to pent up frustration and sometimes the orgasm was fairly intense. I don't think I have to lie about that. I think most people can have powerful orgasms while masturbating to their "ideal" fantasy. Disturbing or not, it is just human truth.

Yes I did look at legal porn. Stories. Adults that somewhat resemble being younger.

Yes I did have fantasies. I even wrote some of these fantasies down under a pen name or two. Hell some of the people on here may have even read them.

Yes, I am guilty of all of the above! I did it because it made me feel good. What can I say? I am a sinner. I admit that. I also admit that when my testosterone returned back to normal after masturbation, I loathed myself.

All of this is what I fought on a daily basis. I would struggle so very hard against it and make all sorts of promises to myself and God. Deals. Begging. Threats. The result was always nothing. My personal best was just a little over four weeks. But every day was a complete agony and all day long my mind was focused in the gutter.

I am telling you these things so you know how utterly lost I was. Never would I do anything to a real child, but my fantasy life was rife with active lust! And God tells us that if we look at a woman [sic. girl, boy, sheep, pumice stone] with lust, we have already committed adultery [sic. done the deed] in His eyes.

And Paul thought HE was the worst of sinners. Psh.