Well everyone, I've been reading the forum for some time now. I've been reluctant to post myself, but I suppose it is time. I'm not really sure what I'm expecting, and I'm not completely sure why I'm posting other than to know that I've finally put into words a lifetime of struggle. It's strange that it will take perhaps only a few minutes to read what has taken me hours to type out, and I'm very fearful that it will diminish the weight of my words. O well, I guess that's just a risk I must accept.

I know that this is a forum for BL, but my struggles have been much broader in my sexual identity. My earliest memory is of a "crush" I had on a classmate in 5th grade. Over the next few years I had several childhood sexual encounters with various friends; things that would probably now be considered "childish play", but at the time were very deep and real and forming. I began to actually realize my attraction to guys at 13 and thus began my struggle. I already knew God's views and directives in His Word, and I acknowledged and embraced them, but I was left very alone to try and work through it all. I could not and would not tell anyone. My struggles have only intensified and today I still have them.

As I hinted above, I'm not sure I'm a BL. I have absolutely zero attraction to prepubescent boys. However I do have a fascination with puberty, or more specifically sexual development. I have only recently learned that a very large percentage of adult guys who wrestle with their sexual identity do so for one reason: an undeveloped and unfulfilled male-male relationship. I can say with full assurance that this is true for me. As a boy I remember craving acceptance from guys, as well as from my father. I longed to be accepted and affirmed just as who I was. I cared nothing for "usual" guy things such as sports and therefore had very little in common with many guys. This left me very alone, and I still feel alone today. I've learned that somewhere in all this my natural, healthy desires for male-male affection became entwined with my sexual desires. Now the monumental challenge will be to untwist them. The cruel irony is that now as an adult I know how little room society has for anyone who must play "catch up", not at all unlike an adult who is illiterate. Society accepts and understands that children are to learn to read during their school years, but have little patience for those who "miss the boat" and must learn later in life. It seems the same for me, that society has little or no time (or even cares) for us who are underdeveloped and still in desperate need to of what we've missed. I am so hungry for a deep, healthy, intimate male-male relationship.

I am grateful to God that I can say with a clear conscience that I have never even once initiated an inappropriate or questionable relationship with a minor. However, some years back something very unexpected happened: a young teen boy initiated an ongoing relationship with me! I do not want to provide the details, but suffice it to say that he initiated it fully on his own initiative and he took it "all the way." I was completely taken by surprise. But the most painful thing I've experienced in my life was when he later changed his mind and began to pull away. I am still suffering from the pain of going so deep and then being "rejected".

Anyway, I'm not expecting any replies, but perhaps if anyone has experienced anything similar they could comment.