Dreams. Can't live with 'em. Can't live without 'em. Well, the definition of a nightmare would be dreaming something that you definitely would hate to see or experience awake. You sound like a loving guy who always shows respect to kids. So, the idea of hurting one would be a nightmare. And the kid with the idea on penis up the nose... That seems like a proposition that would pretty much be totally contrary to what would ever make sense as a "cure" - and may represent the impossible situation you find yourself bound to.

I think your wife is just trying to help, but she has been misguided. The ideas she has are the best ideas from the consertative doctrines on coaching men who perceive themselves as gay. And I mean she was perfect, so she knows the drill via an article or another Christian friend.

I don't have a strong opinion on the masturbation. Again, you sound like a loving guy who always shows respect to kids. My only concern about starting again is your idea that you don't deserve it because she's going without. Well, if it's good for you and she chooses not to do it for herself, try not to feel guilty about it. Hey, the whole self-touching, spouse-touching thing sounds good to me. Do yourself. I don't know if she'd be open to it, but she could get some release with a decent shower hose or whatever.

Here's something that has worked for me. I know you and I may be different, but you can offer her a massage every night. That's about as good as sex - especially for her, but I think you'd have your moments, too. Here's why: no performance anxiety. She has to get into the mind frame that she's not getting anything but a great muscle relaxation treatment. I just love making someone else feel good. Nice smooth, sometimes deep strokes on the back or shoulders or anywhere - usually with lotion - will get you to hear some satisfying sighs and moans. How can you hate that? Look, I know sex with your partner - and not needing any other fantasies to help you along - would be the definition of perfect. You're not there. I wonder if more than a few hot newlyweds have that. I've been in the position of sleeping with someone I can't have sex with, and had a good feeling at bedtime every night. I gave a massage. My adult relationship wasn't marriage, but I hope you enjoy giving your spouse pleasure the same way. Here another one I hope you have a hard time disagreeing with: You love her. You want her to feel good. You feel good when she feels good. If you offer the massages and she accepts, I think you'll both look forward to bed.

Last but not least, nothing is more powerful than prayer. I will pray. You will pray. She will pray. Everyone who reads this will pray. Who loves ya? Who doesn't want you down? He's there, feelin for you guys.

If one small thing made sense or helped you feel better, then Thank God. In any case, always remember you're a cool Cat.

Peter/Petre