Hey everyone,

I just read through many of your posts before writing this, even going far back into the oldposts. I seem to relate mostly to Cat's struggles these days. Being married, I thought I would get past all of this -- these feelings and yearnings inside me. The honeymoon was good, but soon after, my performance wasn't so hot, and that's when I resorted to thinking other thoughts to kick it up another notch or two in the bedroom. That's the part of me I don't like. I didn't think it would come to this. Once a boylover, always a boylover?

Another thing... I work around a lot of youth. Funny how we find ourselves in these places, eh? People see our "gift," don't they? That's why they think we'd be good at these sorts of things. Of course, we don't object much even though we know the daily temptations will be tough to resist. It's really one of the very few things I do like about my job. I think.

I suppose these "feelings" come from something in my childhood that I wanted and never got, and now I want to make sure other kids don't lack the same things I so desperately wanted. My dad wasn't much of a father, and I wanted/needed it so badly from him. It hurts to admit it even now. So yeah, that must be it, right?

I will have to share more later as I interact with you all (and at those times when I know I won't be found out). But for now, let me assure you that I very much consider myself a Christian boylover; though, I don't define myself as a boylover anymore than I define myself by the work I do. Basically, I'm a Christian youth advocate who has some personal inner struggles with the feelings and attractions I have toward the boys I mentor. Why do I struggle? For the benefit of all.

As for the Christian part of me (how I define myself mostly), I love discussing the Bible. I feel I've been called to be a watchman from an early age -- well, since I was around 13 to 14 years old. At the time, I was certain I heard the Lord tell me so, and since that time He has continually laid a path for me in this area. I have met many interesting people in the eschatological field of study, and I have worked in or helped build a handful of ministries dealing with the same. Again, more about that later, I'm sure.

My age? I'm in my 30s now. My age of attraction? Mostly 9-14, I'd say. How long have I known this? Ever since middle school when I got older and my attraction stayed behind. Do I ever act on this attraction? Like I said earlier, only to the benefit of all. Does this involve sexual contact? No how, no way. That's my belief anyway. But I can certainly empathize with those who have struggled (and maybe even made a mistake) in this area.

Today, I have several YFs, but one of them is definitely closer to me than most. I discipled him since he was 7-years old with much support from his mother whom I later shacked-up with for several years. After I left his mother, I watched him stray as a teenager; it broke my heart and for a long time I wondered whether we'd be friends again. Today he is 22 and we are closer than ever, and the fact that our friendship is so strong is because it's always been spiritual, the way the Lord intended. He is now a missionary, shining the Love of Christ to thousands across the world. Praise God! (More about this later, too).

I guess that's enough for now. Thank you all for being here. I'm comforted knowing there are others like me, experiencing many of the same daily thoughts and struggles that I'm often faced with. Not many people are so willing to admit that they are human, but for us, it's something we can't get away from; we face it in the mirror each day, and not that this is a bad thing -- it keeps us humble, compassionate, and understanding of others. It also makes it very clear to us that an ultimate sacrifice was needed, even for the Nicolaitains of today who demand control over the sheep of the congregation while hiding their own secret sins, yet claiming to have a direct line to God! (I have much to say about this, later).

Peace, all. I will talk more with you as soon as I get the chance.

Zeke (a nickname, of course)