If you haven't read the cool Boymoment post by CSL, then this might not make much sense...so check it out. I read it two days ago and it helped me to fall asleep that night. Last night I was having the same problem of not being able to get to sleep...mostly because of a rowdy party going on across the street, so I tried it again. Not only did it help me get to sleep but oh the dream I had.

In my dream I was in some kind of refugee camp where musicians are especially welcome. (I know, it's weird...most dreams are weird) I was jamming with some musician friends I knew from my past when all of a sudden it was time to go to bed. So we all go into this big three story building and I find out that the second and third floors are sleeping quarters for everyone. The second floor is for the adults and the third floor for kids. Well, I have to go to the third floor for something...I don't remember what...and sure enough, here are all these wonderful kids running around getting ready for bed.

Then I sat down in a chair and was imediatly surrounded by kids; mostly boys. This terribly cute african-american boy sits right down on my lap and gives me the biggest smile and another boy who I guess was his younger brother is just clammering to be next. Then I hear one of the boys ask some directer person in charge, "Can he (me) stay and sleep with us tonight?" The guy says "sure, I guess so" and the boy on my lap gives me this huge hug.

Then I woke up...with tears in my eyes. It was so beautiful and so doggone real. I rarely remember wether or not I dream in color, but this one I know was in full color. And it was so moving. I have been really kind of depressed lately because of a lot of things, not least of which is the fact that I do not have a young friend of any kind...well, maybe the artist boy but I don't really know him very well. That and I have been feeling really guilty and bad about being a BL lately too. But this dream has given me such a good vision about what I am and my purpose in life.

I think the dream was a kind of window into what is really in my heart concerning young boys. I was feeling so bad that I am sexually attracted to them but there was nothing sexual about my dream. It was about love and friendship and just feeling good. That's what put the tears in my eyes. I know that God has put real love in my heart...not just lust or sexual attraction. I guess I've always known this but I need to be reminded from time to time. I'm still a listed sex offender and this has severly curfewed my relationships with any children, including my own nephews. I haven't even had a hug for a very long time...from anybody, but especially from a boy. I know...."cry me a river, Chris"...but it's this kind of stuff that can really break a person's heart.

So I'm really glad I had this dream because it ahs given me some hope. All this from a post here in CBLF! The power of words, man....it's something to see.

With Love,
Chris