Hi Cat

You asked why I married if I knew...

Yes, I knew what I was from an early age. I thought I was just regularly gay until I hit about 14 and realised that I was starting to look down the line instead of across it as previously.

I got married because despite everything I've always felt an attraction to women. Weak compared to BL but nonetheless there. I didn't know whether it would be my salvation, although I confessed to my one 'confidente' that the idea of having kids of my own scared the hell out of me, even though I still liked the idea in principle.*

I got married partly out of a sense of needing to prove to myself (and probably my peer group) that I was/could be 'normal'. Apart from anything else, my wife is very attractive and the fact that she had to pursue me whilst all my 'straight' mates were pursuing her was really good for my ego. It took nearly a year before we 'went out' and a further year before we hitched up - all the time I was hoping to prove to myself that 'everything would be all right' in time, or that the Lord would suddenly 'heal' me.

I have never really puzzled out the difference between what you are, what you are tempted to be and what you are tempted to do (hard enough to write!) so I don't know if I was deluding myself or not. 12+years on and my wife and I are still together and closer than we were when we started, so that's gotta be a plus hasn't it? I still enjoy the stability of family life and the appearance of normality (hypocrisy? I dunno...) and I can enjoy a physical relationship to a point, although I do find myself slipping into fantasy during sex most times. Women may fake it, but it's pretty near impossible for a bloke, let's face it, so if I didn't I'm not sure I could continue to function.

So life goes on and hopefully will indefinitely. I'll always be frustrated, but from talking to friends who are 'straight', having a non-frustrating marriage/sex life seems really rare anyway, so I don't feel I've got it too bad. Face it, if St Paul had to 'pummel his flesh' to bring it into line and avoid falling into sin it's not exactly surprising that the rest of us are going to struggle sometimes too. (Paul, of course, had a 'thorn in the flesh', which biblical commentaters have argued about for years - personally I think he was non-heterosexual, struggling much the same way the rest of us do. It would certainly be 'nice' (can't think of a better word) if it were so!)

Let's be honest, you've got it bad as a BL and always will have, but where we know we have an aberration that needs addressing, most of the 'straight' population don't believe they have, so they continue in ignorance, often afraid to talk about their feelings and failings. Just by being in this forum I feel further forward than many.

I'm gonna stop now, I tend to ramble at the best of times, but stay in touch and if you want to talk off the board my EMail address is available.

God Bless

EMPIRE

*from above: Despite my worst fears I feel the love that all parents do toward my son as well as my daughters and could never in any way behave improperly towards him - I don't recall even feeling tempted to do so. Far harder has been meeting some of his mates over the years...