Hi All

How long have I needed to find a site like this one where I can tell it like it is and know that I'm not risking everything in doing so! I've longed for someone wise enough to tell of my feelings for years and never found anyone inside or outside the church (although that may be an injustice to some - I've just never felt comfortable enough with anyone). The only person in my life who knows it all is, ironically, not another BL but one solitary female friend whom I've always known to be able to hear anything and not condemn. No one else knows. Not my family, not my wife, no-one.

I've read through about 150 posts since arriving at the site and it's fascinating how many views and thoughts mirror my own. CAT: If you read this, I can REALLY identify with your marital struggles. I feel your heartache. I've been married for 13 years, have two children, a career, a mortgage etc and outwardly everything is hunky-dory, but underneath we know there's a different story to life. The daily emotions of Hope Fear Self-loathing Anger et al are always present, as is the daily ambivalence (which all Christians feel to one extent or another as they try to live up to the "acceptable face of the church" and follow the rule "Thou shalt not have any problems or weaknesses in public" - an impossible standard we still dump on our bretheren).

I daily wonder whether I should struggle on towards the nervous breakdown that's been due me for years or try to break out and go another way (something I know I could never do for my children's sake and, to an admittedly lesser extent, for my wife's). If I could've chosen a thorn in the flesh, it would surely not have been this one.

Anyway, I'm rambling. It's good to get things down on paper but I don't want to go on too much. Looking forward to visiting this site as much as I need to and rambling further.

Finally, does anyone know how to get rid of the record of this site visit from my computer? It seems to be stored in a dozen places and I really don't want the family stumbling onto it...

Apologies if this seems cowardly but I'm not ready (maybe never will be) to raise my head above the parapet if I can avoid it.

To anyone who's come this far, God bless, and thanks for listening.

Empire

Ps thanx to Godspell for the tip on EMail addresses - I now have a hushmail a/c as recommended.