Separating myself from my sinfulness.

I’m determined not to be condemning myself over a sexuality I have no choice about or attractions I have no control over. This post is long guys, but it is the result of many months of searching this stuff out and I hope someone gets as much from it as I have.

To start with I have some presuppositions:

1. It is not sinful to be a sexual being
2. It is not sinful to be sexually attracted
3. It is not sinful to get sexually aroused
4. It is not sinful to desire a sexual companion.

We were created with all these aspects to our NORMAL human functioning.
One could accurately say these things are part of the blessing of life that God gives us “richly to enjoy” (1 Tim 6:17).

Obviously from a Scriptural view, heterosexual marriage is God’s provision for these aspects of our sexuality… BUT?

What if marriage is unable to satisfy these aspects of our sexuality because we are same gender attracted?

This study seeks to make a distinction between what is sexual immorality and what is not (from a Biblical point of view).

I am going to argue:
That sexual immorality in Scripture involves a sexual act between two people (thus non-specific sexual fantasy is not included).
That marriage is God’s concession to deal with the problem of sexual immorality but is not the only option.
That for boylovers, masturbation without covetousness can be a genuine method of self-control.

Biblical Sexual Immorality

1 Corinthians 6:9-20 is one of the most thorough New Testament teachings on sexual immorality. It begins by making a distinction between the wicked who will be excluded from the kingdom of heaven and those who have been washed, sanctified, justified in the name of Jesus and by the Spirit of God. (vs 9-11). The distinction is very clear. Once we were wicked now we are not. Jesus’ forgiveness makes all the difference.
We are now temples of the Holy Spirit and our bodies are Members of Christ. (vs 15 and 19). We have been “joined” to Him and are one spirit with Him (17).
Now that we are in Christ sin has no power over us. We are no longer going to be judged by the law. Thus, Paul can go on to say in verse 12 “All things are lawful for me”. However, despite our freedom from the law and freedom from condemnation because of sin, Paul tells us that not all things are helpful for us and that some things have power to master us.
One of the examples he uses to illustrate this point is sexual immorality.
He tells us that our body is not meant for sexual immorality, but belongs to the Lord for His purposes (vs 13). What ever we do with this body we do with Jesus. If we engage in sexual immorality with our bodies we are involving Jesus’ members in the act.

The concepts of JOINING and ONENESS in this passage are very important.
• We are joined to Christ made one Spirit with Him
• God’s plan for marriage is referred to “the two shall become one flesh” (quoted from Gen)
• And the corruption of that plan occurs when we join our body with a Prostitute’s and become “one body” with her. Also joining Christ’s members with her.
This inappropriate joining and oneness is the biblical basis for sexual immorality.

Jesus taught clearly in Matthew 19 God’s plan for mankind was heterosexual marriage, that from the beginning people were created male and female and a man should be joined to his wife and the two should become one flesh, never (in this life) to be separated. (Paul will refer to this teaching in Chapter 7).
Paul concludes by saying that sexual immorality is a sin against one’s own body (vs 18-20) and commands that we flee from it. Since our bodies belong to God we should honour Him with them.

Now masturbation is clearly not an actual joining with anyone. The act of ‘one fleshing’ requires a partner. But is it possible to commit sexual immorality with someone IN OUR HEAD?

Firstly to what the Bible doesn’t say.
There is no mention of masturbation in Scripture.
Some folks argue against it because of the sexual fantasy that often accompanies it. But the act of self satisfaction is not condemned.

But does the Scripture condemn sexual fantasy outright?
The often quoted verse concerning adultery in the heart from Matt 5:28 may not mean what it is often taken to mean.
“But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
The problem is with the Greek phrase here translated “to lust for her”. Don Carson (a very well respected Bible Scholar) in his commentary on Matthew has shown that the verb “to lust” belongs to the woman in this passage and suggests a better translation would be “so that she lusts”.
Thus taken, the verse is then speaking more to the act of flirting than of fantasising. This is very significant. It means that both persons, the guy giving the suggestive look and the woman responding to his advances, are guilty. Again, it’s not a solo sin.

Even if we stay with the more common interpretation, it is not talking about private fantasy involving imaginary persons. The sin of adultery comes here when a particular person is looked at lustfully and since the word “adultery” is used then it is in the context of when at least the man and/or the woman are actually married (otherwise it would be fornication). Thus the offence is more in the betrayal of the one flesh covenant of marriage than in the act of imagining something sexual.

I also think it is important to make a distinction between looking with admiration at a person and looking with lust.

Covetousness verses Admiration.

We are, as my opening statement suggests, sexual creatures. We will naturally be attracted and there is nothing sinful about this. No verse of Scripture anywhere condemns the admiration of the beauty of God’s creation. I believe that even a sexual admiration is not sinful of itself.

I see a distinction between admiration and the kind of lust Scripture condemns.
Admiration looks and appreciates. It acknowledges beauty and even desire, but it lets it rest there. It recognises that the one being appreciated is not our possession and does not seek to make it so.
Covetousness on the other hand hungers to possess what is not rightfully ours. It is an attitude of obsessing, of planing and scheming, of wishing longingly that we might take for ourself that which we have admired.

James makes a note of this distinction in Chapter 1 of his letter verse 13 -17:
“Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am tempted by God”; for God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does He Himself tempt anyone. 14 But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. 15 Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death.
16 Do not be deceived, my beloved brethren. 17 Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning.”

Some important things are worth noting in this passage.
Firstly God gives good and perfect gifts to us and not to tempt us. This has to be true of our sexuality as much as of anything.
Temptation comes when desire (not condemned in this passage) “draws us away”. The desire is not the problem. It is the drawing away that is the problem. We have good work to do (Eph 2:10) and we need to be busy in the doing of it. Temptation is when desire, instead of staying in its proper godly place, draws us away from that work.
Having drawn us away it then goes on to entice. Here comes covetousness. An idea comes into our heads that we could have something that we are not allowed. We focus on this idea and start to hunger for it. It has not been given to us by God, but we want it anyway. We think about how good it would be to have it.
Desire goes on to its final stage in the temptation cycle then: “conceiving”. This is the planing stage. We have built up sufficient covetousness and now we start making plans for how we can get it. And as the Scripture warns us sin is birthed from conceived desires. We take our plans and make them into sinful actions.
Notice that we didn’t start with sin. We stared with God gifted desire and because of covetousness it leads us to sin.

In Gal 5:16-23 Paul tells us that our flesh lusts but that the Spirit gives self-control.
In Numbers 15:39 Israel was warned not to “go after” the prostitution to which their own hearts and eyes were inclined.
In Matt 15:19-20 Jesus taught that adultery and fornication come out from the heart.

It is quite clear from these passages that there is covetous desire that is clearly the start of future sinning. However, we must be very careful to recognise that sexual desire of itself is not automatically covetous and lustful.

Marriage as God’s concession for Sexual Immorality

I now want to draw some points from 1 Corinthians 7:1-35.

Paul appears to promote single life as a preferable state for a Christian in this passage (7-8). Nevertheless, he realises that sexual immorality is a problem and explains how marriage can be helpful in this regard.
Christians are vulnerable to Satanic temptation because of their lack of self-control (vs 5 and 9).
If someone can exercise self-control then certainly the single path frees them to serve the Lord without distraction (vs 32-35) and is thus preferable.
The relationship in marriage is meant to be one of regular sexual intimacy (vs 3-5). Thereby giving the couple an outlet for there desire to be “one body” with someone. (Of course marriage is much more than this, as taught elsewhere in Scripture, but not the subject of this discussion).
The instruction to marry if one cannot exercise self control is given, says Paul in verse 6, as a CONCESSION not a commandment. In other words it is meant to make thing easier. It is meant to be an escape from temptation.

But how does that help the exclusive boylover? The concession of marriage, if there is no sexual satisfaction to be found with a female partner is not going to make things easier for us sexually if it is not women we “burn” for.

So what concession is left for us?

Before I make my final points on that question, there are some other principles Paul states in this passage which are worth noting:

• In verse 7 he says that EACH ONE has his own GIFT from God. Surely that includes EACH ONE (anyone still feeling left out?). Many BLs’ see their sexuality as a gift. This Scripture would add some biblical merit to this claim. I think it can be argued quite appropriately that there are certainly some significant aspects of GIFTING that come with being a BL. What desire to love our gifting gives us! What passion to bless! What generosity! The boy who receives the GODLY attentions of a BL is blessed indeed.

• In verse 15 Paul tells us that we are “called to peace”. Surely this applies to us BLs as well. The context of this passage is Christian couples being called to do everything they can to preserve their marriages through difficult times. Then in the case of a Christian having an unbelieving partner who abandons them, acceptance of the situation, because of the call to peace. In other words: do all you can to overcome, but when the situation is beyond your control then accept it and be at peace. I don’t believe that God wants us BLs to be obsessing over things we cannot change. Overcome inappropriate behaviours by all means, work to discipline yourself and exercise self-control… but over things you can’t change (like your sexuality) then peace brothers!

• Verses 17-24 talk about living within the boundaries in which God has called us. God has, says Paul, “distributed to each one”. We often ask ourselves, “has God made me this way?” This passage seems to answer: “YES”. The two examples Paul gives are circumcision and slavery (later he goes on to include singleness vs married states). The overall theme is that where you are when God called you is an ok place to stay in. God accepts us for who and what we are. Even (as with the case of slavery) it’s not an ideal place to be. Keeping the commandments of God is what matters (vs 19) and we BLs can do this as well as any Christian. Verse 21 “Were you called while a slave? Do not be concerned about it; but if you can be made free, rather use it” could easily be paraphrased to apply to BLs: “Were you called while a boylover? Do not be concerned about it; but if you can be made free, rather use it”. This assumes that it is no more sinful to be attracted to boys than it is to be a slave. Both are the results of a fallen sinful world, but not something one chooses or can necessarily get free from by will alone.


Masturbation as a Concession for Boylovers?

If sexual immorality is an act between two people outside of heterosexual marriage (and does not necessarily include personal sexual fantasies about non-specific persons);
If heterosexual marriage is God’s concession for those struggling to exercise self-control of their sexual drives;
and if it is a useless concession for those of us attracted only to boys;
then what are we to do with our sexual drives?

This is not a question that can be answered directly from the Scriptures since they simply don’t speak about our particular struggle.

Thus each one of us must come to our own peace with God over these things, but in the light of all the above let’s look at our motives.

If we acknowledge that it is sinful to have sex with a real boy.
If we acknowledge that admiring boys is ok, but coveting them is not.
If we acknowledge that God has given us His gifts to enjoy and called us to peace.
If we acknowledge that suppressing our sexuality only leads to frustration and an increase in sexual tension and thoughts, such that we will be tempted to some kind of sexual immorality because of a lack of self-control.
And if we look for a way to manage our sexual desires in order to better exercise self-control.

Then perhaps masturbation is an excellent option for us which we should not feel guilty about.
I masturbate SO THAT I may exercise self-control.
As opposed to:
I masturbate dreaming and scheming all the things I wish I was allowed to do but aren’t.
In the former, we can include admiration of the boy. And it is our faith and our care for the boys in our lives that motivates us to seek to manage ourselves in a godly manner.
In the latter, it is covetousness that drives us.

Why do I masturbate? Am I seeking to feed covetousness or curb my desires before they lead to covetousness? I think it makes all the difference.