I'm thinking about the boy I'm in love with.

When I do it feels so amazing. It really feels like I love him.
I want good things for his life.
I want to be his friend and let him know how wonderful he is.
I want to contribute blessing in his life.
I want to communicate love to him.
I want to be loved and enjoyed by him.

I want to enjoy the feelings of joy and bliss I do when I see him and spend time with him.

I have been created to feel these things... to fall in love and to want to be a blessing to those I fall in love with.

Of course there is a sexual desire in there too. There's no denying those feelings either. I want to marry this boy and live with him forever. But again, albeit directed at a person Scriputre says is out of bounds, I am created to want this kind of companionship.
But because it is out of bounds, in the real world, I don't have any agendas to pursue this side of the relationship with him at all (not even to make him aware of how I feel).

I know all this stuff is in my own head.
I don't beleive there is any "real" connection between him and I in any kind of spiritual or metaphysical sense. I am designed to get attached... I got attached. Like I said... its all in my head.

But is this wrong?
Is it sinful for me to have these feelings?
I'm struggling to see that it is.
It doesn't feel sinful. My conscience is not condemning me. I only feel good about the relationship. (of course it's not helpful to my marriage... but that is another issue - loyalty and faithfulness - which I'm not considering here just yet).
I also struggle to find commands or instructions telling me that it's sinful to fall in love and enjoy it as I am.

I work hard to keep erotic thoughts out of my thinking about this boy... but I'm not completely innocent in this regard. But considering the nature of sexuality... that is to be expected. Surely the sin would be to act on these desires.

Again, I find myself wondering what does God expect of me? and having no easy answer to the question.

Blessings
Cat.