The Dynamics of my Sexuality.

I see three areas of dynamics in my sexuality that complicate things for my marriage.
It is my hope that I can present these to my wife and work with her towards a management plan.

1. During general sexual interaction with my wife:
- I feel pleasure, but it is not erotic. It is the pleasure of intimate touch and loving affection.
- I am sexually non-responsive. I feel no arousal, no sexual drive and I get no erection.

2. During focused sexual interaction with my wife (when she is fore-playing me or giving my penis lots of attention).
- This is enjoyable AND sexually arousing BUT when I'm sexually aroused my desire is awakened. Sexual desire is about giving and receiving. Now I want to give sexually to my wife on an intellectual level… but this is not the desire I'm talking about. I enjoy being touched, but the desire is also to touch back. And in the hunger of my desire, it is boys I want to touch, not her. I often have a strong desire to fantasise at these moments, which is quite difficult to resist. The conflict between intellectually wanting to have desire for my wife and actually having none as well as having strong desire for boys, which I attempt to resist, causes me considerable distress during sex.

3. Apart from interaction with my wife when my body becomes naturally sexually aroused:
- Then the focus of my sexual hunger is for boys.
- In the past when I have tried to suppress this desire it actually becomes more intense. The way I look at boys in the real world becomes more sexually focused.
- I have a strong desire to fantasise about boys and, when I'm very aroused, to masturbate.
- When I try and focus this sexual arousal on my wife it fails because I'm not attracted to her. To try and use an analogy: If you are hungry and someone offers you a pillow you think that the pillow is great and soft and cuddly and warm… but you can't eat it! You are still hungry. In all honesty, there is a strong level of frustration that you are being asked to eat a pillow.

To Prayer.
I have three prayers I am constantly praying in regards to these things.
1. Lord take away my desire for boys. Make them unattractive to me.
2. Lord make my wife attractive to me. Give me sexual desire for her.
3. Lord I repent of my sinful behaviour and desires. Please deliver me from temptation and if I am doing anything to stop you from healing me please make me change. Not my will but Your's be done.

I pray these prayers often. I feel that I've had some answers to no. 3. But 1 and 2 have as yet been unanswered.

I want to talk about this stuff with my wife, but I don’t want to cause her more distress and hurt. What should I do?

Confused Cat.