Several years ago something terrible happened in my family which caused me to be estranged from them. I don’t want to go into the entire history of it in here, but suffice it to say that it has kept me away from them for about six years now. Both the nature of what happened to cause this, and the fact I have been separated from those whom I love (especially the children…my niece and nephews), has caused me more than a little grief. Anyone who has read my last few posts, the ones I did last week, will know what I’m talking about. I think I know what’s going on with me and I believe I have a solution to this problem.

I’ve always had a habit of stuffing my feelings, especially the really negative and painful ones. That’s what I’ve been doing all this time with how I feel about the adult members of my family. I’ve taken all those hurtful feelings and stuffed them away so I haven’t had to deal with them. And I’ve also taken all my positive feelings for them, as well as the feelings I have for the children (which are always positive) and stuffed them away too. I didn’t want to feel anything at all because whether they were positive or negative, the end result was still the same….pain. But stuffing away my feelings has had a repercussion for me that’s been really destructive. It’s developed into resentment, which is something I cannot handle.

In A.A. they teach us to get rid of resentments or else the resentments will eventually take us back to the bottle. And that is what I intend to do. I have begun a fourth step, which is also known as a moral inventory. I am doing this one specifically about my family members with whom I hold strong resentments towards. I am doing it in a unique way in that I have gone to the Bible to find a person, or persons, who I can identify with. Someone who has gone through something similar to me. The story of Joseph in Genesis is my first study. His brothers wronged him in a bad, bad way but he forgave them and even helped them in a time of need. I’m finding some cool parallels with his story and mine. I am going to use him as an inspiration and a mentor to help me through this problem I’m having with my own heart. If Joseph could forgive his brothers for what they did to him, then I can forgive my brothers for what they did to me. I am going to do this study first, and then I will do my inventory, going with each family member and listing my resentments and then what I really feel about them. And then I will write about how much I really love each and every one of them.

When I’m done with this inventory, I am going to take it and do a fifth step with someone I have already picked out whom I know I can trust. This is a person who has already done a fifth step with me before. A fifth step is when you take what you’ve written and let another person read it, and go over it with him or her. It’s probably one of the most important steps in the 12 step recovery process.

Anyway, like I said, I’ve already started my Bible study. I don’t know how long this is going to take but I am going to take my time and do a thorough job. I’m sick of being the wounded animal bluesman, man. I just want to be the bluesman. I’m really sick of how all that resentment has been working on my heart. It’s true; it will harden your heart if you let it. That’s what has been happening to me. I sit at home by myself because I don’t want to deal with people, or because I’m afraid to deal with people. I’m moody and nasty sometimes and I don’t mean to be. I haven’t taken a drink, thank God, but I’m acting like I have. And I’m sick of it! I can’t even pray on a daily basis because I don’t feel that God wants to listen…and I should really know better than that. This is separating me from my loving Father and it has to stop.

Well, that’s what I plan to do. So if you think of me while you are in prayer, please ask God to give me strength to finish this thing. It’s going to take a lot of work and a lot of courage.

With Love in Christ,
Chris