eek... I'm embarased about my post agian and I haven't even written it yet :S

Ok... the struggle is for self acceptance.

The arena is masturbation fantasy.

So... tired of feeling guilty and anxious about sex all the time... I decide to cut myself a break, relax and just go with the flow.

So I have a wank and dream of a made up fantasy boy.
Afterwards I have all these negative feelings. I suddenly find the idea of sexual boys distressing. But... I don't make a big deal of it. I just relax and try not to over analyse. I can feel my condemnation anxiety lurking just wanting to take over as usual.

Two days later.... feeling sexy again... decide to have another go. Again with the made up fantasy boy. This time I have this wave of euphoria. Boys seem like the most amazing things on the planet and a few hours later (which is not usual for me) I'm ready for another go! AND... when I finished I was still aroused. THAT is definately NOT like me.

What a difference giving myself permission made to my feelings.

Now I don't know what to make of this.

It seems obvious to me that what gets me going is boy fantasy... but... can I really reconcile that with my faith?

I'm certainly not one for "if it feels good do it" type values... but this sure did FEEL GOOD.

I'm also thinking of that Scriputre in proverbs "there is a way that seems right to a man but the at the end is death".

I don't trust my own judement or feelings on this thing at all.

HOW can it be ok to have boy sex fantasy if God condemns the practice in reality?

So here I am admitting and accepting my sexual feelings and experienceing great pleasure in their expression*.... and yet struggling, as a Christian, to believe that this is ok.

I can only keep praying that God will help me figure this out :S
Blessings
Cat.

*I have to note again for the sake of the casual reader that I'm talking about fantasising about make-believe boys here and NOTHING more. I do not agree with nor would I engage a real child in any sexual manner whatsoever.