Hey Everyone!
Sorry I haven’t been around much. This last month and a bit has been pretty crazy with school and all. Actually, right now I should be studying for the exams that I am in the middle of – and I really need this study time! But today was one of those days that I really just couldn’t study. So I spent some relaxing, watching some TV, going to Church, and some thinking. And the culmination of it all has led to the following.

1. On Love
I love boys, and I love this fact. But I hate the sexual attraction. I was watching “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition” (ok, enough with the jeering … I still have some dignity … just not much any more :P). They were making over a home of a family whose Dad was paralyzed in Iraq, and then whose 9 year old son was paralyzed from a car wreck. But every time they showed the boy he was still smiling and everything. Man, every time the boy was on, I started to tear up. That is what I love about loving boys. That we can love and care like that. Sure, it helped that he was totally cute, but there is still that something there. Everyone can love like that – and it would be hard not to love that little boy, but for us there is that little something else there, and for that I am grateful.

But what kills it? The sexual aspect of this love. Earlier today I was reading on boylove website thingy and was up on an 80’s or so study on childhood sexuality. After the study was quoted, there was an essay on how this one pedophile is actually against increasing childhood sexuality, but commented on how our society is quite hypocritical in that in the media and whatnot children are often portrayed in a sexual light. Well, all in all, with the combination of that particularly moving TV episode and this read, I really noticed how great a gift our orientation can be (at the very least to us, but also extended to our predisposition to help kids), but also the “thorn” of sexual desires that comes with it.

Basically I guess its important that I live my life as pure as I can and really try just to ignore that sexual aspect of things (that I all too often trick myself into thinking as valid or important). Seeing a boy smile and knowing that his heart is happy – that should my ultimate goal and the only return I need for this love. I guess I have a new goal.

2. On Life
Also in this seemingly unproductive day I have the opportunity to watch the Adam Sandler movie “Click” on TV with some of my family. Well, there is one boy in it, but his role is quite minimal … and he’s no Haley Joel Osment. But it was a good movie, and I’m not writing about it because of a boy, but rather a message that is quite clear in it. If you haven’t seen it, I really suggest you go rent it, even before a boy movie. Basically, its about a guy who gets a remote that controls life, and he just fast forwards through things that he doesn’t like. Well things go awry and he end up fast-forwarding through all the important things in his life – generally following the “work takes precedence over all else” rule.

Well, the guy that gave it to him used a very neat analogy as a warning, and it is a very important analogy at that: “You remember the cereal character who is always chasing the pot of gold? Well, after a whole day of chasing and a whole lifetime of chasing, when he finally gets to the pot of gold, its just corn flakes.” Now, this analogy was aimed at the work vs. family theme throughout the movie, but it can really apply to all aspects of life. This sure isn’t this first time that I’ve heard this type of analogy, but having it on today was very special, and the way that it is shown in the movie is surprisingly powerful for an Adam Sandler movie.

Here, the point for me was to really enjoy life. Not just working to get money. Not just pouring all you are into school to get the best marks. Not just focusing on being a BL (and inevitably being a little disappointed … for life is much more than your sexual orientation). But rather, taking in life in all its fullness. A song playing in the background in the movie says “the best things in life are free”. That’s so true. Your family. A hug. A beautiful day. A friend. All of these things are the finest points of life; points that are normally disregarded in the midst of the dysfunctionalism of industrialized society.

3. Conclusion
Well, today was a very important day, and it turned out to be the complete opposite of useless and unproductive. Sure, I might have to cram for my next exam, but a fresh outlook on life is probably more valuable. So today I won’t spend all of it studying like there’s no tomorrow, but rather enjoy my family (including you guys!) and my life as it is – not getting too hung up over summer expenses and all that. Also, I’m going to be making a now conscious effort to lessen the conscious and unconscious sexualization that occurs within me, and focus on the pure aspects of love.

I guess that was a bit of a rant. But I thought I would share the insights that I have gained of the last 10ish hours. Hopefully I’ll be back in here in a week or so, after exams (and no Cat, I haven’t forgot about your favor). Oh, and I’m still looking for a girlfriend. I found a real keeper, but she up and went an got a boyfriend (just as well, she knew that guy for far longer than she knew me). Hopefully I’ll still get one, but who knows.

Anyways, you guys have a great day! I’ll talk to you all soon!

Graces of God,
Deliverance