Thanks for those of you who joined in with my prayer and fasting week.

Before I go into details about the experience, here are some ideas I wrote down whilst seeking God. Tell me what you think and I'll tell you how its effecting me.

Blessings
Cat.
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God’s Will

I am married – as much as I believe that I was ill equipped, ill prepared and unwilling to be so, this is a truth that stands – I am married.

I have behaved unfaithfully and have a desire to continue to do so. For this I repent. May God have mercy on me.

I want to do God’s will. For me this is the most important thing.
I want to do what is best for my wife. I love her and care about her. I want her to be happy and healthy and strong in the Lord.

I think these to points are a good foundation to build on – despite whatever other obstacles stand in our way.

I believe that “what God has joined together let no man separate” (Matt 19) means that ideally God’s will is for us to work towards making our marriage work.
I also believe that the gracious permission “because of sexual immorality (pornea)” can be applied to our situation. Yahweh put away Israel because of her sexual immorality (Jer 2-3) my wife has grounds to do so with me.

I believe in the light of the above (and for as long as she'll have me) that God’s will for me is to be the best husband that I can be. To be honest, faithful, and undivided in my affections for my wife. I believe that whilst I feel still ill equipped for this task, if such IS God’s will then He will make me able to walk in it.

In regards to boys:

I am highly attracted to them. I even long for them. I want so much to be with them and be friends with them. I want to admire their beauty and glory in their persons. I want to love them and be affectionate towards them. I want to play with them.

Is this sinful? I don’t know.
If I make it erotic – then YES of course.
But even if I don’t, it is still driven by my sexuality.

What is God’s will for me in regards to them?

If I focus my energy on my wife as much as I am able – and say – if God wants me to have boys in my life He will bring them to me.