Hi Cat. I'm praying for you and wish the best for you. But you know me, the closest thing to a heathen we have on this board, a non-expert in Bible matters, and you know me, I sometimes give unsolicited advice. So here goes.

Obviously you're going through tough times. Brutal times. I myself have had some very minor problems recently--I got fired from work. But they paid me fair severance pay, I have a permanent visa in this country, I'm fine. But there may be a few parallels, if you'll bear with me for this (perhaps strained) analogy.

Like me, you probably need to find a new direction in life. In my case, it's easy--only talking about employment and economics, and I have plenty of bux in the United States. In your case, it's much, much more difficult. Marriage issues, personal issues, issues at the very core of your existence.

Man, you're a BL. What you are, and what you always will be. I think you know that by now. As you restructure your life, think about what you are best suited for. How you can make the world better for yourself and others. And, though obviously I don't know you personally, I think that you should restructure your life so that it includes boys. Yeah, I do. Otherwise, it seems to me like you'll be spending the rest of your life as a tortured soul, just constantly conflicted, constantly on the edge of unhappiness.

I know, many of the guys on this board believe our attraction for boys is sinful. And you guys could kick my ass in a contest of citing Bible verses to justify any point you want. OK, well, what can I say, I respectfully and in a friendly way disagree. I feel we have a rare (and damn sure unappreciated by most folks!!) gift. The gift to give love and attention to a boy who isn't ours, but who needs it.

There's a poem I remember, though not word for word. Goes something like this.

When my time is over,
It will make no difference how famous I was
It will make no difference how much money I had
Or what kind of car I drove
What will matter more than all of these
Is if I made a difference in the life of a child.

Don't be ashamed of what you are, man. Keep on keeping on, and make that difference. Do what you know you do best. Good luck.