I'm not really sure exactly what I want to say, so it will more than likely sound like I'm rambling.

I just got back from Disney World Sunday. I went with my school chior, we go every year to a competition down there.

I guess I should say that I am 16, and I realized my attraction when I was 12 (I can remember signs as early as 4). It was really strange to me back then, and I figured something was really wrong with me. Somehow I ended up on boylove forums that were not good for me. Those forums introduced me to the whole boylove world, and I felt like I belonged there. I had something alike with those people, and they were accepting. They were the only ones who understood. Little did I know I was only falling into Satan's trap for me. I felt like I had it all figured out, but I was missing one HUGE part, a part that I had pushed to the side... God. I ended up telling someone everything, someone I trusted, and they told someone, and that someone told my church Pastor. The day after that we had rehersal for church chior. The chior director asked me to go upstairs with him, we walked into a room... in this room sat: the church Pastor, the student pastor, the chior director, and... my Dad. I immediately knew something was wrong. My Pastor asked me to sit down, and began to tell me that he had gotten an email the night before, which included the whole IM conversation I had had with the person I trusted when I told her everything. I couldn't speak.. I was crying, and shaking, I wanted to scream, to run out, to tell them that they didn't understand... but I didn't. After all, they are the leaders of my church, they know better than me.. right? My dad broughht me home and I went directly to my room and cried forever. I only came out to brush my teeth and use the rest room, then went to sleep. The next day my dad made me go to work with him (he owns his own business). I didn't want to, but I did, and it really did help... he had told me it would. My parents didn't understand, and they still don't. They banished me from the computer for probably around 4 months until I had to use it for school. Now one of them has to get me on because of a password. They don't know that I am on CBLF, although if they found out, I can't help to think that if they really read this stuff, that it would help them understand. They sent me to a counselor, he had never counseled someone who said they were sexually attracted to boys (my pastor had never either). But becuase this couselor was a christian, I think it was pretty simple for him... he had to show me the way, the truth, and the life. I still wish that he understood, though. And I think that he (along with my parents and pastors) believe that God WILL change me, and that everyone is made for the purpose to be sexually attracted to the opposite sex, "It's just not how God intended it," they say. Well, I'm under the impreshion that my parents think that I am healed and that I'm not "like that" anymore, even though I haven't talked to them about it in forever (which I think I should).

After that day that I was brought to that room with everyone waiting, Jesus changed my life, I began to read God's word, I began to pray, and now.. I have never been closer to God. I really think CBLF was brought to my path by God, you guys have really helped. Thank you so much.

I know this is long, but I have just one more thing. While at Disney World this past week, I encountered something that did something to me that I really don't even know how to say. I really noticed myself, noticed what I was doing. How I look at every single boy that walks by, and how I will go out of my way to just look at some boys, and how I don't even notice girls. For instance, there was a boy in a stroller for older children, and a girl was bent over doing something to the stroller. My eyes followed the boy as we walked by, I didn't even notice the girl. One of my friends nudged me and said, "I saw you lookin' at that." It scared me for a moment until I looked back and saw the girl (He though I was looking at her butt). She was rather attractive, but I hadn't even so much as known she was there. I said that I wasn't looking at anything back to my friend, because I'm not a pervert like that anyways. But was it any different if I was looking at the boy? I mean, I wasn't lusting, I just like to look.

Some of you are thinking, "What is your point?" Well, I guess I have a question: Is it wrong to just simply look?

But really the whole week just made me realize that if I am not right with God, then I could very easily be perving over every single one of those boys. And it all just made me want to be more faithful to God, because I refuse to make this boylove a nasty, perving, sinful thing.

If you made it this far, thank you.. this was all something I have been thinking about since Sunday, and I just wanted to tell someone.