But the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 6:23)

I was dead. Not in the physical sense, though I often wished I was. I was dead to myself.

I told myself that I had maintained my faith, but I know it was very weak in these past few months.

When I had to take a leave of absense from cblf, I was doing well. But the lack of support in my real life, along with other worldly troubles, I was soon caught up in a downward spiral of porn. In fact, when we got the internet back because I had to have access for school, one of the first places I went was a porn site. (btw, when I say porn, I am speaking of legal porn)

I felt as though I couldn't come here because I was just too ashamed.

Then my life took even worse turns financially. I started a fast. Soon afterward I deleted all of my porn from my computer. Not that I felt as I had to, or that it was the "right" thing to do... It was... just something that I no longer wanted.

That same day I spoke with Cat again, and he told me I needed to come back here. I knew he was right in what he was saying, but I still felt guilty.

I broke my fast yesterday with the Lord's Supper. It was a nice way to celebrate and I felt good. Better than I had in absolute months.

I do thank all of you who have prayed for me, especially when Cat requested it a few days ago in my absense.

I, ever the prodigal son, took my riches and squandered them with prostitution (of the mind). I ate with pigs and I starved. I came back to God and realized how really little I listened to him during the past few months. The fatted calf was killed (heh I had a huge cheeseburger smothered in BBQ sauce and bacon) and God welcomed me with open arms.

Funny that.

You can't see me now, but as I type this, I have tears in my eyes. His love is so overwhelming. I just don't understand how I can take it for granted! How I can spurn it with my actions, thoughts and words. How wretched and undeserving I truly am.

But God does not see that. He sees me, and all believers, as His children. Our sins are paid for and more, through Christ's sacrifice.

*pauses to wipe eyes and nose LOL*

Some things I learned as I was on my fast...

1) Porn and even non-pornographic images will never make us happy. It is just impossible. I am not out on a crusade to get anyone to stop looking at porn, target ads or whatever. But I know now in my heart that they are only going to cause me pain. I don't know if I will be able to stay away, but at least right now, there isn't a desire.

2) As your body starves and grows weaker, so too does your spirit without the 'food' of God's Word. I remember clearly when that hit me. I was sitting in church yesterday just before it started. I had known it before, intectually, but I hadn't really KNOWN it. As this was my longest fast ever, it was really put into perspective for me.

3) God just wants us to love him and trust in him. No matter how often we fall, or how hard the impact, God is always calling us back. Always there to pick us up.

4) I cannot forget my promise to God, made so many years ago, to be His servant. I think I might know my intended 'ministry' but it is daunting and a bit scary to think about. So many hurdles and stumbling blocks. Yet, he promised that I would gain a staff of stewardship; He warned me about the troubles I would face but told me in the end I would be one of His shepards (In a dream). I think that I am nearly ready. I haven't always been faithful, but with God's help I am stumbling blinded, bloody and sore over that finish line.

Phew... ok, enough ramblings... Just that I haven't been here in so long, I guess I had tons to say. Anyway, I am glad to be back. I hope you guys can forgive me for avoiding cblf. I am thankful to see so many names I recognize *smiles*