Cat is feeling crushed.

The distance between what I believe is right and what I have done and am willing to do seems a vast chasm.

What I believe:
When a man marries a woman he commits to being hers 100%. He does not entertain fantasies of being with someone else. His loyalty is to his wife. He keeps his eyes and his thoughts focused on her alone. Sure he’ll see other people he finds attractive, but he won’t pursue them either in reality or porn or fantasy.

What I have done:
Whilst married I have always been double minded. I have been with my wife, but I have always entertained a secret longing for a boy bride. I know that such a desire is an impossibility. It is neither Godly nor possible (for boys grow up). In fantasy I have entertained it. In reality I have looked at boys I’ve known and wished they could be the one.
I got married not because I was attracted to my wife… but because I hoped that getting married would bring “healing” to my sexuality. No change came.
I have secretly desired to not be married for a long time. My wife does not know this. Playing the role of heterosexual has not been easy for me and I have wanted to stop.
I love her very much, she is my best friend. I wanted to be a good husband to her, I have tried for a very long time. I have failed.
Whilst married I have engaged in boy fantasy and my eyes have looked longingly at boys. I have collected legal pics and stories of boys that titillate me.
I have lied to her about these things. I led her to believe that I was attracted to her. I told her I wasn’t struggling with attraction to boys so much and I was. I told her I wasn’t fantasizing and looking at pics and I was.

I confessed many of these things to her 2 years ago. She’s been trying to reconcile it in herself… she has got to the point where she doesn’t want to be with a guy that’s not straight and not attracted to her.

Now I still believe I should try and be faithful and fight for my marriage… but in all honesty I don’t want to do that. I want to be unmarried. I don’t want to give up on liking boys on looking at them… or being friends with them*.

The chasm between what I believe and what I’ve done and am willing to do seems overwhelming to me at the moment. I feel guilty and rebellious. I feel like I have failed at husbanding. I don’t know what to do. My stomach is in knots… I’m having to force feed myself and I wish I could go home to be with the Lord.

But I think about the Scripture, “cast down but not forsaken”. Today that is me. God have mercy and give me the grace I need to get through this. Show me what you want me to do and give me the will and the courage to do it… In Jesus name. Amen.

Thanks for your prayers guys.
Cat.


*I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again… I don’t believe I’m a danger to kids. I would never cross the line from fantasy to reality. The cost both spiritually, legally, socially and sexually is too high. Plus being friends with boys is satisfying in its own right. I don’t need sex with boys to have very wonderful and loving friendships with them. And I have enough self-control that I don’t let myself even fantasise about boys I know in the real world.