I was not sexualized as a child.
I read everything I could find on the subject, including the entire section in both the children's area and the main part of my public library and my school's libraries, all during 5th-7th grades.

I really wanted to be sexual with some of by friends, but I never had the courage to initiate things.

For a while, I thought that this was a phase that I would grow out of (since that's what many of the books said, and I really wanted that to be true) but it was not to be. (At the time I was not Christian) AS I got older, the people I was attracted to were still male, and still young. I waited and waited, and nothing changed. I thought that if I acted on my feelings, that my subconscious could then move on out of the phase. I had sex with a friend at 17 for the first time (legal where I live), and of course I was not changed, and I am still not changed 8 years later.

The long process of self-acceptance was and is a painful one, and God has responded to my desperate often suicidal pleas to be changed with a firm "No." (audibly, but that's another topic!). I'm still not sure where that leaves me, but I know that I must have self control. The laws over such things are very ill-defined in my state, but I stay legal and mostly celibate, only engaging in sex with youthful-looking guys once in a great while because I am lonely and weak. I can count the number of times I've had sex on my hands. I had a boyfriend for more than a year, but we had to break up because of distance, and we never had sex (though it would have been legal).

And that's my life, as it pertains to my being a BL.

In Christ,
~CSL