Do you believe that if you hadn't been in a minor adult relationship as a child that you would have the attractions you do?

I wasn't. I have since I was about 2 or 3.

Thank God I never outgrew them. ;)

Does your wife know how you feel? And if so how does she feel about it?

His did before they were married. In my case, it doesn't apply, but some of my friends and ex-gfs parents and such do. Usually, they're pretty welcoming.

What advice would you give to someone who was victimized by a minor/adult relationship? (meaning the child was sexualized)

Well - that's a whole host of questions. I'll start with the hypothetical first...

If their only 'victimization' was learning that masturbating with other people was really, really fun - that advice would consist of a discussion of barrier methods (and why), and tolerant, non-judgemental discussion of meeting one's needs without shattering societal taboo.

That said...

I'm rather emotional about this topic because this happened to a very close friend of mine.

I... got that feeling shortly into the thread.

What if a 14 year old boy is sexualized by a 60 year old priest. The boy is too scared to say no, and doesn't want to do it. This happens for 10 years.

What would you tell the boy?

...at the time, I'd tell the boy exactly what I have told people. Their wishes are all that matters, and their happiness needs to come first.

Unfortunately, it's not happening at the time. Retrospectives are not as easy to promote the happiness of others in, sadly, for the simple reason that only the present can be changed. That doesn't mean we don't still try.

Roman Catholic, and yes he did take a vow of celibacy. The 14 year old wasn't very mature for his age, but he did have a summer job helping at the church. So he was responible in a way.

No, hon... no, he wasn't. The only time someone should have to sell their ass for a job is if that was the job - up front, before the decision.

Getting a job isn't 'asking for it.' Wearing cute shorts isn't 'asking for it.' Wandering around naked and pole-dancing for fun isn't 'asking for it,' it's play for amusement.

The only way your friend could've had any responsibility is if he walked up to the priest an asked "would you fellate me, please?" 'n even then, he hasn't done anything wrong.

The boy never indicated that he wanted this type of relationhip, he never indicated he was interested in the priest, and if he wasn't so scared he would have said no.

Left-wing circles... infantfucker pride, feminist bloc, and the like... and a few of the right-wing ones, have a saying... "position of parent or caretaker." When you control a person's food, employment, housing, medical treatment, or disciplinary actions, a situation exists which precludes its entanglement with a romantic or erotic relationship.

This is the federal definition of child abuse for the last decade - unlawful kiddiefiddling isn't in the category, legally, without the abuse of the specifically deliniated position - and it's of varying degrees of illegality amohg adults, as well... employer/secretary relations, prisoner/guard relations, and the like.

I'm sorry your friend gets innundated with so many messages, many of them nonplausible at that, trying to externally define his experience without his input... but if it helps, or if he ever wondered, what he went through would have been immoral, unethical, and in most situations illegal had he been an adult, as well.

If that fact helps him have a more stable place to figure out how he feels about his life, perhaps that's a good thing.

Now, let's imagine that 14 years have passed and the boy feels betrayed, hurt, violated, that part of him has been taken away, ect...

Y'ever wonder how much of this is the virgin/whore dualism? Scream at someone enough that "the child is ruined for life," or that they're "damaged goods"... it can fuck with your head.

I really hate that term "ruined." They're not yours to determine the usefulness of... grr...

Betrayed? Probably accurate... hurt? Probably a valid description of his reaction to... some part of all this, and the hardest part of healing is sorting out what comes from where, exactly, untangling the knots...

~sigh~ The sad thing is, it's actually completely possible for him to just up-and-decide that he'd be happier being happy, and doing so. Unfortunately, most people don't know that, and haven't learned how... so he'll have a bit longer road to travel.

What now? What do you say to someone who feels that way? What can you say that will make them feel like a whole person again? Is there anything that can be done?

Nothing easy, no. Time, patience, understanding, compassion... and time.

What does one say? You've demonstrated on the board that you're one of the few people with a gift for honesty, and the capacity of self awareness and emotional health to actually be capable of it. Go with that. It makes you probably the most eminently qualified person there is, no matter how helpless you feel at the time.

He'll probably end up having to forgive the priest, not because the priest deserves it - I tend not to respect anyone whom the children around them aren't comfortable confiding even their most heretical thoughts and feelings to, whether they have sex or not - but simply because it's usually a synonym for ceasing to try to reconcile a person's perfection and infalliability with their actions, and realizing that they are really a weak and helpless person built up of minor worries and petty concerns who is probably much smaller and less competent than you. This is good, because the first two are nonreconcileable, and almost all human pain involves the unsatisfiable effort to make the unsensical somehow fit.

...from there, it's just the long, slow task of sorting out this from that, seperating one thing from another. Humans are remarkably resillient and self-healing creatures, 'n usually by the time someone can say "this affected me thus and so and that led to this worry," instead of 'something vague and undefined around this bothers me somehow,' the problem is pretty much solved. Some of these things that go into it will probably be downright silly - I'm guessing that "does this make me one of these fags that is going to burn in hell" is actually one of the small parts among a much larger entangled whole. That's okay. It doesn't matter in the least if they're silly; it had an effect on his life, and his feelings, and that makes it valid.

'sides, half the reason for self exploration is actually deciding whether you even believe any of the crap in the dark corners of your mind that is causing you pain. A lot of the time, the answer is an honest "no," and that's one of the most healing and nurturing realizations there can be.

So, is there anything magic to say to make it all better? Not really, and those rare times where there's an exception have to be recognized in their own moment; there's no preformulated script. Time, patience, acceptance, honesty, and non-judgemental awareness are all there is. 'n they can do wonders...

'n in some situations, establishing the implausable fact that not everyone is like that by slow, patient example can be important. I vaguely remember a study a while ago of some eastern-european country wracked by civil war; those with supportive, nurturing families were completely psychologically normal. Those without were psychologically classic war orphans.

...it was certainly a factor for an ex-gf of mine. We lived together for several months. Since her mother was neglectful in the common sense, the whole "I don't know how to relate to people when I think of them as toddlers instead of people" problem, and since several of her mother's ex-boyfriends had raped her repeatedly through the first two or three years of her life... she just thought that's how adults... people, really... were.

For others, it's not so much of an issue, and the event provides the exception, rather than the rule.