I sat down alone for a while this afternoon and really thought about my life. The sun was beaming in on through my windows into my room, onto my face, and i felt its warmth. I can notice such oblique things, things that no one else notices that much. And i think, have i really come a long way these last sixteen years? And you know, i think about my past, some decisions I have made, that i wish i'd hadent. I thought about my childhood, it was pretty good, in fact, i really can't remember something i didn't enjoy as a child, except some relitives passing, but that natural occuring stuff.

Then i thought about my teenage years, in a timeline, its just a black hole. From thirteen to early fifteen, i made alot of mistakes, mistakes that have made me out to be what i am. I have done so many things that i wish i had not done. But then, this year is different. I became an official "unofficial" boylover. I have learned myself.

And i think about my future, it scares me. Because for some reason i used to think that as time passes, im the only one who ages. But then i thought about my YF right now, what he would be like. What would I be like? What will become of me and my surroundings? I want to just let it all go and deal with it as it comes around, but i can't do it. And everyday i come to be unappreciative of my sixteen years of life. And i almost - don't want to go on and live life. After i hit eighteen, i just want to lay down, forever. The future scares me, more than most people i bet. But then i think of the YF i have now. What would he think? You know, he needs someone right now.

He totally blanked out in drama class while doing a monolouge, and he was so embarassed. He came strait to me, he was so stressed. And he is on medication that supposedly helps him focus, but in return, demolishes his personality during the week. But around night it starts waring off. So when he is himself, i love him so. I told him that next time he gets on stage, think about me, i would never make fun of you.
He said "ok" and made me promise that the next time i had a hard time doing something, or was doing something very difficult, that i had to think of him. Of course i agreed. And i think about what i have to live for, that no matter how hard these sixteen years where, that its all worth living for, even for just this boy. I sure he would say the same thing about his older friend.

Happy Holidays
Youth??
PS: This will be my last post for a while (or mabey not) due to technical issues. But i have atleast another 24 hours.