The only guilt I would feel over my feelings and thought life as a church going Christian would be if I was thinking of ACTUALLY commiting some act of ilicit sex.

Personally I draw a huge distinction between what I desire to do and what I actually INTEND to do.

Desiring ilicit sex and yet having no intent to act on those desires is the path of holiness and it seems from your posts that you are on that path... praise God!

Desiring ilicit sex and struggling with temptation and then putting to death the part of you that wants to ACT on your desire is the challenge of the Christian life that EVERY CHRISTIAN with a libido experiences.

I wholeheartedly agree with Blackstone that one is in no way "living a lie" just because people don't know the objects of your sexual attraction.... and just because they'd be potentially hostile if they did. I'm sure that if we were to unpack any man's sexual desires before the congregation of his church they'd be pretty freaked out. Fortunately, Scripture never asks us to do this.

We are defined by what we choose to do.... not by what we desire. To phrase that Scripturally: "a tree is known by it's fruit".

Blessings
Cat.