If I understand what you are saying it's the hoplessness that overwhelms you.

Seeing the beautiful boy just trigers the cycle of you thinking about all the stuff you feel you can't have.

I think hopless and grief are quite common experiences. I think your reaction to them is quite acute and problematic.

If you have to avoid going outside, watching tv or being anywhere near the potential of seeing a boy... I'd say your quality of life must be suffering. Also, it's inevitably impossible to avoid seeing boys, so no matter how secluded you make yourself... evenutally you'll see one and the cycle will activate.

I would encourage you to seek professional help. I don't think you have to be so overwhelmed by your feelings and I think a good counsellor can give you tools to get to that place. You may find the same help by reading books on topic... but that would potentially take a lot longer where an experienced counsellor will be able to point you in the right direction sooner.

Blessings
Cat.