It is normal for us to love boys, sometimes intensly, but it is very bad to react to those feelings the way you have. I know where you are coming from with the substance abuse because I am myself a recovering alcoholic. It took me a very long time to figure out that this is no way to try to deal with one's sexual or emotional problems, it only makes things worse. You might need counceling but one thing you really need to do is find a way to accept and love yourself for who and what you are, I think. That is my humble opinion, anyway. God loves you for who you are my friend.