"I honestly don't know what the hell God wants for me.
Maybe the whole 'no sex with men' thing is all bogus.
Maybe it's not.
But I'm miserable.
And I know it. HE knows it.
So what if, JUST what if I sought after a gay relationship?
I know I would be happy. "


And so you would. Even though finding a great bf usually only comes off after a couple of false starts.

This whole situation is inexpressibly sad. Ideological hard place vs. loving irresistible force. Crunch, screams, breaking glass, mangled faith.