I'm 17. I've come out as a boylover to my mum and dad, but that's it. My age of attraction is very flexible though, which is why I can consider the gay scene.

I know that people try to compensate for finding God by indulging in things, even though that's never how it worked in myself. The thing is, I don't feel that I can gain anything much more from a relationship with God than the comfort I already have. Perhaps once I define by beliefs and lose my doubts the security will make me feel over the moon, but for now I'm your average joe.

The happy fantasies I have about the gay communities mostly involve simply finding a partner there I can relate to, emotionally. I imagine having one night stands just to see what it's like to live that way, but it's not my goal. In the end I hope to find a lover. In fact, dealing with knobheads is in a way something that I rather look foreward to, with my judgemental nature. My first fantasy was just having an orgy of sex with loads of other blokes, but that has gone down a bit now. I think I was just fuelled with testosterone.

By the way, when you said that the golden rule is not typically followed, are you talking about people lying to each other or just the typical yobknob behaviour? Is it about people on the gay scene treating each other like shit by deed, or treating each other like shit by word?

One last note: Matthew chapter 13... you must have extreme dissociation problems if you can't see what is so sickeningly disturbing about it. I was in... quite a feeble mental state at the time. I had only just started to believe in God and I was driven by these insane preachers telling me how much I needed Jesus. When I read what Jesus said about his coming, and the judgement of the wicked, I cried and cried until there were no tears left in me. I didn't even get to sleep the whole night. It was dreadful. I spent the week of Christmas over the toilet vomiting with fear, and I was having extremely vivid half hallucinations of terrifying things being done to me in hell, and all those I loved. I know you probably don't need to hear all this... I feel like the torture methods I imagined have ACTUALLY BEEN DONE TO ME. It was so REAL. If someone brings up genital mutilation in a conversation everybody else cringes and winces with disgust, but I don't because it has already happened to me so many times I am simply used to it. For a while over the summer I smoked cannabis regularly and that was very, VERY theraputic for me. Nowadays I am not scared at all.

Nowadays... with a rational mind... I just see the parable as a beautiful expression of natural selection. I never, EVER thought I could use the word 'beautiful' when reffering to it, but I managed.

I also have Asperger's Syndrome. This probably contributed to my obsession, and maybe in part to my sexual nature, but it's more or less under control.